Preparing for Leaving

David White offers some thoughts on the value of ‘community’ support.

A number of events over the last few months have brought to my attention again the whole topic of departing and saying goodbye. The events in themselves may not initially seem to be connected, but there is an undercurrent connecting them. I can see that when they are done well a sense of wholeness is given, however when they are done poorly a feeling of emptiness is left.

Everything comes to an end

Whenever we do anything of importance that requires the investment of energy and time, we know that it will involve an ending. It could be a short restful holiday that ends when we have to return to the demands of everyday life, or a night-school class that runs for a year. Whether we consciously think about the end or leave it to the last minute, unconsciously we will be aware of the encroaching departure and the process of having to leave what we valued and move onto a new phase. We will all have experienced having fond memories of a past experience or relationship that we value.

So far I have only mentioned relatively simple changes, but if we take a moment to consider important aspects of our lives, we will touch the sensitive vulnerable side of our being and realise that life changes and sometimes the things we most value are likely sooner or later to change and recede. Then there is the ultimate reality of our own existence: that we ourselves will ebb away from this earthly life and separate from all the worldly ties we have. This means that all the roles, objects and people we are connected to have, by their very existence, the possibility, in fact the probability of some form of separation.

A profound sense of value

In psychotherapy, the ending is thought of right from the beginning, both to facilitate the therapeutic relationship and also so that the process of adjustment to life after therapy can be faced and worked through properly. In clinical practice, some people are able to work through till the very end and say goodbye, whilst some find it too painful and drop out of therapy before the official end as a way of avoiding the pain of parting.

Much of this is already quite widely known, but I wish to reflect on some recent events I have witnessed that gave me some new insights into the role of the community in facilitating significant life-changing endings and the role this has in facilitating the new phase of life, and in contrast, what the lack of such community involvement may mean in how we review the previous phase of life that has waned away. By ‘community’ I mean the network of relationships in society from the most intimate to the more casual or professional links.

One such experience concerned dealing with the death of a spouse, and another retirement after thirty four years of teaching in one school. I could perceive that in each of these situations the main protagonists and their immediate family were given a profound sense of value and appreciation by the action of people who had had contact with them over the years, coming together for a few hours, celebrating and affirming all that had gone before. This I sensed meant that the next phase of life, be it in widowhood or in retirement, would be lived with a deeply embedded confirmation that something good had been lived, that had true value, and so in turn facilitated the person to move on with grace, whilst allowing them to remember what had gone before with joy. This does not mean that there is no pain at parting or a sense of loss, but that the involvement of family and friends was deeply validating to the retiring long-serving head teacher and also to the widow who was adjusting to the end of her life-long martial partnership.

Ways of building community

I contrast this with the leaving process of two people I know who are retiring from a lifetime’s work in the National Health Service. In many ways the people involved had worked hard for many years serving children and their families, day in and day out. One may have been paid well for their role, the other not, but even so at the end their departure into retirement will be very different. There may be a few words said to a small group of people, but even this may be very limited. I see that their experience of being in the caring profession will not be given the same deep-seated validation and will not leave them with a feeling of the time in the NHS being valued.

It is likely to colour the way they see their ‘life’s work’, which money in itself cannot compensate for. I have seen other people leave the NHS over the last few years almost as if they wished to ‘shake the dust from their feet’, sometimes even saying that they wanted a total cut from their work place and not keep in contact. I imagine that it is similar for those who go to the crematorium to say goodbye to their loved one feeling quite alone.

Some jobs and some families tend to lend themselves to endings and changes in life more easily within a community, whilst others not. Some of the ways society is changing, with a heavy emphasis on money as being the main value of work will not help; neither will the increasing sense of isolation many people experience especially with age. What can we do? Well I suggest that we take every opportunity to celebrate and witness any major life event, be it with those we live and work with or even ourselves.

We could go to that funeral or wedding; or attend that significant birthday party or baptism; go to that colleague’s retirement or leaving party. Even if we cannot go then send a card, flowers or email. We can try to arrange celebrations for key events. In doing so we will in some small way be contributing to a sense of community and be validating the experience of others and helping them move on.

I heard by chance recently that one colleague I had worked with in the same building was retiring. I had recently moved to another clinic many miles away but wanted to let him know that I was thinking about him. As I did not know when he was leaving and I did not have much time I hurriedly wrote down a message and faxed it over to him. Quite a few weeks later I had to pick up some papers and books from my old office. I had known him for seven years and he was quite formal in the way he behaved and although friendly I had never seen him be openly demonstrative.

When I arrived to pick up my things and say goodbye, to my great surprise he gave me a big hug and wished me well. In fact his greeting was, out of all the ones I received that day, the one which most made me feel that my time there had been of value. Yes, we know all things will end at some stage, and as well as accepting this as part of life what we can actively do is to be part of the ‘community’ to ease the transitions for each other, and we will give value to each other.